sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Poetry is my passion
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.