BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.