I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.