I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
one last job
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it