The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
let’s discuss
The Sun’s probably Asian.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you