This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.