[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
🙅🏻
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks