CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.