Breaking news:
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
There are no pants in heaven.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
dogs can find happiness so easily
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?