pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Am I having a stroke?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”