Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents