Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Go hard or stay average
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Bike for sale
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Brother?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude