I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.