*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera