him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭