I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???