Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
This is a true ally.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”