I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Happens to everyone.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.