I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
thank god
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.