I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My god she’s good.
Running from your problems is cardio .
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits