I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.