Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Barbie gone wild
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.