I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”