So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Möther may I have a snäck
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.