Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
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my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”