I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Usage Guidelines
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Worth remembering.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.