my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I hate when that happens.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.