Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect