No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors