As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.