When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.