they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
#NoRestForTheWicked
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
New tinder profile pic
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.