How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
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Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.