Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed