me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation