If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.