Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I’m giving up ice.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”