My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.