I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
White parent Vs Arab parents
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.