If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude