You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too