The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.