My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong