A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”