God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
the rocks need my help
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado