Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.