didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
what’s more important?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first