I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.