Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
January is lasting longer than my marriage
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive