Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
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All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.